Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Thoughts before I begin my last semester of College
Five years ago when I first moved into the Dorms at Elmhurst College I didn't know what awaited me. Like most my age (17) I didn't know how to properly control the sudden surge of freedom that came with living on campus. I always skipped class and I barely left my room because I was afraid to meet new people. The first few weeks I made a few friends but it wasn't until well into my first semester that I truly broke out of my shell. I joined SAGE which was Straights and Gays for Equality and I quickly fit into their org. I credit them with making my Elmhurst Experience the best it could be. That first year I absolutely adored being away from home and being able to be who I am, a proud gay man. Up until that point in my life only one individual knew about my sexuality and he helped me more than he knows. Anyway entering into my second year at Elmhurst I was a member of SAGE, A member of Elmhurst College's Union Board, I was a Teacher's Aide for the Elmhurst Life Skills Academy, I was also thinking about pledging into a frat. I had a wonderful year ahead of me, and I saw nothing but blue skies in my future. Until I became the victim of a hate crime. Many of my friends at Northeastern don't know why I left but I guess after reading this they will. I wasn't physically bashed but verbally. None the less I was hurt, my entire year was crushed and yes I was angry as hell at the person who hurt me. I never stopped smiling despite being bruised on the inside. I hid my pain and that pain became too much to handle when my verbal assaulter assaulted me again. It broke my spirit, and I thought I would never feel the way I did before all of that. As I look back on my past two and a half years at NEIU I realize that I do have that feeling again. I love NEIU, but I especially love the students and the orgs which made that feeling come back. The GLBTQA this year has been my baby and although I had to resign from my position as president early I know that I did the best I could do at the moment. I also have tremendous faith in my then VP who is moving up to replace me. As I look at all I have accomplished this semester I am brought to tears at how wonderful this year has been to me. I have made many friendships some of which will last forever. But now in a matter of five months I will be graduating from NEIU and that chapter in the story of my life will be ending but another one will be opening and I am positive that my blue skies will be around for a while.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Pantoum of a rejected soul
It was a party to signify the beginning of the summer. Two lovers entwined like vines.One of them a loner, a dreamer who wrote stories about love. The other a social butterfly who knew how to get what he wanted.Their worlds were different, yet on this night and many others they formed into one. A magical quality floated through the moan filled air. However, tomorrow they won't know each other. One of them a loner, a dreamer who wrote stories about love. The other a social butterfly who knew how to get what he wanted.The social butterfly speaks of love, and how they are destined to be togetherhowever, tomorrow they won't know each otherThe loner wanted love, but somehow never found itThe social butterfly speaks of love, and how they are destined to be togetherThe loner waited patiently while the butterfly came to terms with his sexualitythe loner wanted love but somehow never found itthe social butterfly never saw how pained the Loner was by his constant rejectionThe loner waited patiently while the butterfly came to terms with his sexualityHe couldn't wait any longer and that's why he decided to take the razor across his wrist.The social butterfly never saw how pained the Loner was by his constant rejection.The next day at school they learned of his suicide.He couldn't wait any longer and that's why he decided to take the razor across his wrist.The social butterfly died inside, unable to process the loss of his loverthe next day at school they learned of his suicide.the sun set on that dreary day.The social butterfly died inside, unable to process the loss of his loverIt was a party to signify the beginning of the summer. Two lovers were once entwined like vines.the sun set on that dreary daytheir worlds were different, yet on that night they formed into one.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Some of my writings
I have written quite a lot of stories and so I figured I would post them up :) One of them is based off of my relationship with my father and another is just a poem.
Sly:
There is nothing worse than remembering a time in your life that you’d rather forget. It festers in your mind waiting for the moment when you think you are finally over it, and then like the black snake it is, it wriggles it way into your thoughts. Then depression kicks in, I knew I have always been depressed… if my memories serve me correctly it began 15 years ago when I was nothing but a 5 year old. The first day of school, and we (my mother, my siblings, and I come home to find a note from my dad. I can still remember specifically what it said, even though I would rather forget. It read: Betsy, I don’t think I can do this anymore… that’s all he wrote. No signs of ever returning. For a 5 year old to lose his or her father, it is devastating for them. I now know that it was for the best but back then I remember doing nothing but asking if he would return, while my oldest sister made us dinner. He did return though several times in fact. One time it was in 1998, and the way we knew he had returned, my mom found her trunk had been broken into, and inside was a plethora of Christmas gifts for us. Another time it was two months before my grandma died, and then he left again for her funeral, this time he didn’t return for several months. It was my sister’s 14th birthday which means I must have been around ten or so, and this time before he could leave; my mom gave him the boot. I don’t blame her; I never have, and never will. I thought that would be the last time I saw him, but I was wrong. When I was 16, we took a trip to New York, which is where he was cowering. He knew a month in advance what days we would be in town and which day I would be trekking over to Brooklyn to spend some time with him. I mainly wanted to get out my anger toward him, and let him know how much he had hurt me. When I arrived it was a quarter to ten, and my aunt was meeting me and my mom for an early lunch. Sly wasn’t home, so we spent several hours just walking around, at around 5 pm, after waiting for so long we decided to leave, but first my aunt had a gift for me and my mom. As I approached the three story apartment complex that my aunt owned I couldn’t help but shutter. The aura surrounding the apartment was one of bleakness, and darkness, it was cold as if something evil was lurking in the heart of the house. As I walked inside I felt sad, and utterly hopeless. I went in to see my uncle and aunt. At which point my uncle brought me to my father’s dwelling, the basement. This reader is where the darkness and sadness was being birthed. It was the most depressing sight I have ever laid eyes on, it was all cement, some light, and let me not fail to mention the giant Rottweiler aptly named terror, that was excitedly trying to run toward me from its confines several feet from the stairs leading up to the light. After spending several minutes in there I asked my uncle to take me back upstairs at which point he handed me a soda and told me to take a seat on the couch next to my aunt Rosa. As I was sitting there, I overheard trompa, yelling over the phone. “Get your ass over here! Your son has been here waiting to see his father!” And then I heard a click. If there’s one good thing that I can say about my uncle it’s that he was never a bad father to my cousin. He didn’t abandon her as my father had me. Literally 5 seconds later I hear his voice saying “where’s my baby boy?” my heart sank, I thought I had gotten away from seeing him, and that had made me happy. After I walked up toward him from the living room, the first thing I hear from his poisonous mouth is “oh wow you’ve gotten big? Maybe you should lose some weight.” I needed to get away from him before I began to cry, then to add insult to injury he digs into his charcoal colored pockets retrieves several dollar bills and says “here take this, I get paid tomorrow if you want some more.” I couldn’t take it, instead of going off on him; I hurriedly walked out the door as the first tears began to fall from my eyes. My aunt quickly followed me out trying to console me. “Honey, don’t cry, don’t take him serious, his mind is messed up from all the years of drugs.” As she was choking back tears, she told my mom about what had occurred, further driving the stake through my heart. On the drive back to my other aunt’s house I stared out the window, and contemplated what had just occurred, and how I would deal with it. My mom tried speaking to me, but I ignored her. Then like the most precious angel, my nephew said “ don’t cry tio, everything will be ok” and for the first time after having cried for several minutes I knew that everything would be ok. Thanks to my six year old nephew I had began to see a silver lining, but not for long. That evening I cried myself to sleep, and then several days after we had gotten home, and my mom recounted the story to all of my siblings, I still cried. Until then it was because I believed that my father didn’t love me, and I know realize that for me to think that was foolish in itself, because I know he did love me, at one point in his life. I never had known how much I loathed him, until that occurrence, and then he simply ceased being my father, and he instead became known as my sperm donor. And that memory is the thing that randomly pops into my head bringing back all those sad thoughts.
Lastly, LOVE
LOVE
IT plagues my mind
Enshrouding it in endorphins with little pangs of lust
Like the dark plagues those with irrational fears
Enshrouding the person in total darkness without a way of escaping
I know what it is that plagues me
What I don’t know is how to get rid of it
Love
Love is more like jumping off a cliff and less like it is in the comics
Love is like eating a whole bag of marshmallows, there great at first but after ten you begin to feel sick
It enshrouds me in endorphins with little pangs of lust
Like the irrational fears of the dark enshrouds those in total darkness without a light
Love
Sly:
There is nothing worse than remembering a time in your life that you’d rather forget. It festers in your mind waiting for the moment when you think you are finally over it, and then like the black snake it is, it wriggles it way into your thoughts. Then depression kicks in, I knew I have always been depressed… if my memories serve me correctly it began 15 years ago when I was nothing but a 5 year old. The first day of school, and we (my mother, my siblings, and I come home to find a note from my dad. I can still remember specifically what it said, even though I would rather forget. It read: Betsy, I don’t think I can do this anymore… that’s all he wrote. No signs of ever returning. For a 5 year old to lose his or her father, it is devastating for them. I now know that it was for the best but back then I remember doing nothing but asking if he would return, while my oldest sister made us dinner. He did return though several times in fact. One time it was in 1998, and the way we knew he had returned, my mom found her trunk had been broken into, and inside was a plethora of Christmas gifts for us. Another time it was two months before my grandma died, and then he left again for her funeral, this time he didn’t return for several months. It was my sister’s 14th birthday which means I must have been around ten or so, and this time before he could leave; my mom gave him the boot. I don’t blame her; I never have, and never will. I thought that would be the last time I saw him, but I was wrong. When I was 16, we took a trip to New York, which is where he was cowering. He knew a month in advance what days we would be in town and which day I would be trekking over to Brooklyn to spend some time with him. I mainly wanted to get out my anger toward him, and let him know how much he had hurt me. When I arrived it was a quarter to ten, and my aunt was meeting me and my mom for an early lunch. Sly wasn’t home, so we spent several hours just walking around, at around 5 pm, after waiting for so long we decided to leave, but first my aunt had a gift for me and my mom. As I approached the three story apartment complex that my aunt owned I couldn’t help but shutter. The aura surrounding the apartment was one of bleakness, and darkness, it was cold as if something evil was lurking in the heart of the house. As I walked inside I felt sad, and utterly hopeless. I went in to see my uncle and aunt. At which point my uncle brought me to my father’s dwelling, the basement. This reader is where the darkness and sadness was being birthed. It was the most depressing sight I have ever laid eyes on, it was all cement, some light, and let me not fail to mention the giant Rottweiler aptly named terror, that was excitedly trying to run toward me from its confines several feet from the stairs leading up to the light. After spending several minutes in there I asked my uncle to take me back upstairs at which point he handed me a soda and told me to take a seat on the couch next to my aunt Rosa. As I was sitting there, I overheard trompa, yelling over the phone. “Get your ass over here! Your son has been here waiting to see his father!” And then I heard a click. If there’s one good thing that I can say about my uncle it’s that he was never a bad father to my cousin. He didn’t abandon her as my father had me. Literally 5 seconds later I hear his voice saying “where’s my baby boy?” my heart sank, I thought I had gotten away from seeing him, and that had made me happy. After I walked up toward him from the living room, the first thing I hear from his poisonous mouth is “oh wow you’ve gotten big? Maybe you should lose some weight.” I needed to get away from him before I began to cry, then to add insult to injury he digs into his charcoal colored pockets retrieves several dollar bills and says “here take this, I get paid tomorrow if you want some more.” I couldn’t take it, instead of going off on him; I hurriedly walked out the door as the first tears began to fall from my eyes. My aunt quickly followed me out trying to console me. “Honey, don’t cry, don’t take him serious, his mind is messed up from all the years of drugs.” As she was choking back tears, she told my mom about what had occurred, further driving the stake through my heart. On the drive back to my other aunt’s house I stared out the window, and contemplated what had just occurred, and how I would deal with it. My mom tried speaking to me, but I ignored her. Then like the most precious angel, my nephew said “ don’t cry tio, everything will be ok” and for the first time after having cried for several minutes I knew that everything would be ok. Thanks to my six year old nephew I had began to see a silver lining, but not for long. That evening I cried myself to sleep, and then several days after we had gotten home, and my mom recounted the story to all of my siblings, I still cried. Until then it was because I believed that my father didn’t love me, and I know realize that for me to think that was foolish in itself, because I know he did love me, at one point in his life. I never had known how much I loathed him, until that occurrence, and then he simply ceased being my father, and he instead became known as my sperm donor. And that memory is the thing that randomly pops into my head bringing back all those sad thoughts.
Lastly, LOVE
LOVE
IT plagues my mind
Enshrouding it in endorphins with little pangs of lust
Like the dark plagues those with irrational fears
Enshrouding the person in total darkness without a way of escaping
I know what it is that plagues me
What I don’t know is how to get rid of it
Love
Love is more like jumping off a cliff and less like it is in the comics
Love is like eating a whole bag of marshmallows, there great at first but after ten you begin to feel sick
It enshrouds me in endorphins with little pangs of lust
Like the irrational fears of the dark enshrouds those in total darkness without a light
Love
Friday, April 15, 2011
new Major
I've been worn out recently and its a good worn out, I've recently become a writer for the Independent, and I've finally after several years of not having an official major, I have an official major! And if you know me then you know my passion is in education well you'd be surprised to know that my Major is now English!!! :)
That's right my minor has become my major! Now don't fret because I do have a plan, I only need seceral more courses to graduate, and so I figured out my life plan
1: graduate with my BA in English
2: get certified to teach
3: teach for a little
4: after saving some money go back to school for my MA in special education
5: be happy and prosperous!
I really am excited for this and I feel everything I've done has lead me to making this decision
That's right my minor has become my major! Now don't fret because I do have a plan, I only need seceral more courses to graduate, and so I figured out my life plan
1: graduate with my BA in English
2: get certified to teach
3: teach for a little
4: after saving some money go back to school for my MA in special education
5: be happy and prosperous!
I really am excited for this and I feel everything I've done has lead me to making this decision
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Awesomeness/Nervousness
In a couple of days I will be traveling to Oklahoma for service projects, one of which is the renovation of a youth center down in Tahlequah OK, and the other an unknown project in collaboration with Northeastern State University. Now I'm really excited not only because of the great projects, but also because of the great people that are coming with! Several of the people that are coming with us already have our own cliques which is really funny because normally I socialize with several people yet as of late I've noticed I've been socializing with the exact same group every single day now i'm not in anyway upset about it its just a shocking discovery; Now on a lighter note I've met someone, well technically I've been dating David for several months I've just recently discovered how much he truly means to me :D, I know that I've never really had a bf, but he's way different then any men, I've known/Talked too, and even though were going on our 4 month anniversary on the 15th, I feel as though it's been longer :)Sorry if my thoughts seem scrambled I've been feeling drained lately and I feel as though maybe if I just keep writing things down that You'll understand haha I hope!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thinking...
Sometimes you have good days sometimes you have bad days and then there are the days where everything and everyone just makes you mad, and todays one of those days. its a beautiful day outside weather wise, clouds are hanging over head which sets the mood. so far this morning however though i've managed to think of several things that i need to do to better myself.
1. get a job
2. Move out
3. Put in my application for the Honors society!
4. Not take peoples bullshit so strongly
5. Move on when someone tries to make you mad
6. not be so emotional
7. Turn off my phone
8. Breath
9 Dark Chocolate makes me happy
and finally
10. talk to someone who always manages to make me feel better :)
Izzy I love you and I just wanted to thank you for making my day way better then how it started off :)
1. get a job
2. Move out
3. Put in my application for the Honors society!
4. Not take peoples bullshit so strongly
5. Move on when someone tries to make you mad
6. not be so emotional
7. Turn off my phone
8. Breath
9 Dark Chocolate makes me happy
and finally
10. talk to someone who always manages to make me feel better :)
Izzy I love you and I just wanted to thank you for making my day way better then how it started off :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Fears
I've noticed over the past two weeks or so that i need to hear from my friends, and until recently i figured out why. Its because of my fear of losing them, and i realise how stupid that sounds, but without my friends, I'm a nobody i wouldn't be even as close as i am with anybody if it werent for the people who stuck with me and loved me as much as i love them, and this blog is for them the people who helped define who i am today and the people who helped me come to terms as to who i was and especially the friends who helped me take pride in who i am! I love you all :D
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